


Unfamiliar Stars

by Noelle2371



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Episode Related, Gen, Night
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-06
Updated: 2017-10-06
Packaged: 2019-01-08 22:46:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12263625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Noelle2371/pseuds/Noelle2371
Summary: While Voyager's crew may be celebrating after managing to escape the Void, their captain may still be stuck in the darkness. Episode add-on for "Night" (S5E01).





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> I'd like to just say that the inspiration for this fic came from a comment I saw on a Tumblr post almost three years ago. I had almost forgotten about until I recently stumbled across it in a stray file I had created ages ago. Needless to say, this fic wouldn't exist if it weren't for a little comment that had a being impact on me as a major Janeway fan. Here's the link for you guys, although it will contain a spoiler, just a heads up. http://dontyouauntkathyme.tumblr.com/post/77133205143/let-me-tell-you-why-i-love-this-face-this-is-her

After the shock of seeing the stars appear on the viewscreen for the first time in months wore off, the bridge crew of the U.S.S. Voyager was buzzing with excitement as Lieutenant Paris laid in a course towards the dense region of space. As Captain Janeway looked over her shoulder at the Ops station, she could see B’Elanna and Harry talking animatedly about the possibility of a nearby system being inhabited. _After two months of bleak monotony followed by a perilous first contact situation, I think everyone deserves some shore leave once we find a suitable place_ , she thought.

Seven expressed an interest in going down to Astrometrics to begin charting a path through the sector and the Doctor was needed in Sickbay to treat the minor injuries Ensign Golwot received during their fight with the Malon, and so both Seven and the Doctor nodded in Janeway’s direction before they made their way off the bridge. Janeway watched them pass the tactical station, where she observed  Tuvok as he went over the specifics of his damage report with Chakotay.

While her crew worked dutifully, Captain Janeway felt like a spectator on her own ship, foreign and inconvenient.   _You shut yourself away for two months Kathryn_ , she reminded herself, turning back in her seat to stare at the sight on the viewscreen. _You removed yourself from Voyager while everyone else kept on working and supporting each other. What kind of Captain abandons her crew to fend for themselves when they are hurting too?_ She sat ever so still in her seat, her mind reeling with the memories of the last few days. She could feel her throat tightening, and felt her composure slipping.

She was so lost in thought that she hadn’t even noticed that Chakotay had made his way down to her side, while Tuvok watched closely from the rear of the bridge. Though all of the struggles the crew had just faced going through the void and facing the Malon freighter were now over, both men were still very concerned about their captain and dear friend. She was physically back on the bridge, but they both wondered if her spirit was back as well.

“Captain, it’s been a long night, why don’t I take it from here while you get some rest?” Chakotay offered, finally getting his captain’s attention.

“Oh so _now_ you want command, Chakotay?” she asked, more harshly than she meant to. She was both surprised by his intrusion into her thoughts, and still stinging from his betrayal, even if it had worked in their favor. She was struggling to remain lighthearted in front of the crew, and she could hear the bridge quieting, unsure if their Captain may have actually decided to reprimand Commander Chakotay after all.

He faltered, not wanting to upset her just as she was coming back into the fold of things. “I’m sorry Captain, I only meant-” She held up her hand to stop him from going further, and realized she just couldn't dress him down. Not now and probably not ever, especially after the way she had acted as his commanding officer for the last several weeks.

“No, I’m sorry Commander, “ she sighed, “I understand your concern. Perhaps a few hours sleep would do me some good.” She raised her voice for the rest of the bridge to hear, “You all performed admirably today, make sure you get some well-deserved rest as well.” The senior staff members looked relieved, just glad for the moment their captain was back where she belonged. “I’ll return to the bridge in six hours for Alpha Shift,” she called to Chakotay as she rose from her seat and quickly made her way to the turbolift to avoid making any more of a scene. “Take care of Voyager, Chakotay; the bridge is yours,” she said.

“Aye, Captain,” he said as the turbolift doors closed, and he was glad for the first time in weeks to be carrying out one of her orders.


	2. Chapter Two

As soon as the doors to her quarters closed behind her, Janeway’s shoulders slumped and she breathed a sigh of relief. After so much time spent being alone during Voyager’s journey through the Void, it had felt excruciating at times to be surrounded by so many people. Even walking through the corridor for just a few minutes felt like an arduous task.

As she passed crewmembers in the halls, she had caught bits of the whispers that flitted through the air. Some were excited to see their captain again after so many weeks of her self-imposed isolation, and Janeway tried her best to return the hopeful smiles they sent her way Some however, seemed uncomfortable to meet her gaze, unsure of what to expect in terms of the stability of their newly returned captain.

It felt like everyone on board the ship had their eyes trained on Captain Janeway, just waiting to see what her next move would be after evading her duties for so long. _Guess I really can’t blame them_ , she thought as she shrugged off her uniform jacket and slipped off her boots. _I don’t really trust myself right now either_.

After putting on her facade for the crew, she was grateful for the solitude her quarters provided her. She felt wired and anxious, like the encounter with the Malon hadn’t ended just yet. The stress of their voyage never seemed to end, it was one moment of intensity and danger after the other.  She began to pace, needing something, anything to do. She knew after two months of self-reflection that to stay stagnant would lead to her rehashing all the painful memories of her past.

Captain Janeway’s movements were like clockwork, refusing to slow, refusing to stop. Start at the replicator, walk past the dining room table, past the living area, into the bedroom, stop at bed, turn around, and repeat. Repeat. Repeat. _Repeat._

As menial as it was, pacing up and down her quarters gave Janeway a task to complete. It didn't allow her to actually think about what she was doing. The mechanical process of pacing across the room was so mundane it numbed her mind until there were no thoughts left to consume her.

She paused for a moment as she unexpectedly overheard the sounds of two crewmen talking and laughing together outside her door as they went down the hall. _We’ve made it out of the Void, and they’re happy, but what have we really accomplished? A mere two years off our crossing the galaxy? Voyager is still damned to live the rest of our lives here, no matter how positive anyone tries to  spin our situation. We’re barely in any better shape than we were just a few days ago._

Distraction. She needed a distraction, anything to keep her mind from going back down that hole she had fallen into for two months. Turning her attention to the replicator, she opened her mouth to request her customary order of coffee, but hesitated. “It’s supposed to be a celebration, isn’t it?” she muttered under her breath. So she raised her voice and said instead, “Wine. Merlot.”

“Syntheholic or alcoholic?” the computer prompted.

“Alcoholic,” she responded. _God knows I probably need it by this point_ , she mused as she grabbed hold of the glass that had materialized. She took a sip, and she tartness of the wine was a welcome change from the coffee which had surely become a crutch for her sleep deprivation these days.

But Janeway’s thoughts inevitably drifted back to Earth as she made her way to the viewport and her eyes peered out at the unexplored stars. She remembered with longing the sense of awe she experienced as a young girl when her father had taken her stargazing for the very first time.

“Just remember, Goldenbird,” her father had told her that night, “One day you’ll be right up there with me, exploring the galaxy, one star at a time.” She had listened intently to him as he explained how each little speck in the darkness played its role in the theatre of the universe.

It had been so long since she had been able to admire the stars that blanketed Earth at night. These stars in the Delta Quadrant held no beauty in her eyes. They served only a painful reminder of how lost she felt so far flung out in space. She had taken for granted the safety those stars in the Alpha Quadrant provided her. There was no guiding light of the North Star out here, only a sea of confusion and untold danger that she could be dragging her crew straight towards. While each star represented the chance to explore another world or make contact with another race, the danger of meeting yet another deadly foe was equally as high.

She glanced down and noticed the PADD beside her, and she remembered that it was the same one she had been reading over before Voyager had experienced the energy drain and subsequent blackout just days before. In all the chaos that ensued afterwards, she had barely spent any time in her quarters until now. She set her glass down on the coffee table and picked up the PADD and started where she had left off.   

This specific file she had open held the several dozen condolence letters she had written since their arrival in the Delta Quadrant. They were lying in wait to be transmitted, whenever that day may come. Writing each and every one them had been a struggle for Captain Janeway, but as the commanding officer of Voyager it was a duty that was hers and hers alone. 

She remembered each funeral she had attended, from the mass memorial at the beginning of their journey to each subsequent individual ceremony she dreaded attending. Each service only reminded Janeway of how dangerous their situation our here was and how fragile each life lost was. These officers and crewmembers had loved ones back home who could only hold out hope for as long as they could bear, praying that their husbands and wives, their friends and colleagues, and their children and parents would be returning home one day.

 _Only they won’t be coming home_ , she reminded herself. _They’re dead, and they aren’t coming back._

The funerals Janeway had endured for each life lost under her command were met with tight lips and an iron grip on her emotions that hid her desperation to mourn openly with the rest of the crew. The pain of having to jettison another torpedo case containing not an explosive, but a person, was tremendous. A crewmember had entrusted their safety into the hands of their superior officer and had relied her on to bring them home to their families. The responsibility rested on her shoulders to bring them home, whether it be to Earth, to Vulcan, to Bajor, or to a colony on the outskirts of Federation territory. She had failed each and every one of the officers who were laid to rest in space.

The guilt and blame she placed upon herself was crippling at times. It was better not to feel. Better to bury the pain where it could not surface again. She would never allow herself to show such weakness in front of her subordinates. She forced herself to appear stoic as friends of the deceased made touching eulogies and supported one another as they mourned. When she remained strong, so did they.

Her hands began to shake as she scrolled through the list of names. Cavit, Stadi, Hogan, Bandera, Darwin, Kaplan, Bennet, Martin, Durst, Anhi, even Sudor, and so many more. The loss of any crewmember on her close-knit ship left a tangible hole in the community they had on Voyager. Their names swirled in Janeway’s mind, each one feeling like a knife was being brought down on her again and again. Her mind was vicious, and the memories devastating.

She dropped the PADD, and her breathing began to speed up, and she could feel her control slipping away. She couldn’t afford to lose the image of strength she had spent years perfecting for others to see. _Damn it, Kathryn! You’re supposed to be the strong one! The leader people can look up to and rely on!_

And yet, during one of the crew’s most trying moments, she was absent from their presence, from their struggles, from their pain. Until Voyager had reached the Void, there was no instance in which Captain Janeway believed she would not put herself in a position to protect her crew. She believed nothing would suppress her need to protect those she cared about most. The family she had formed on this ship meant the universe to her, but as Captain she always needed to remind herself the importance of keeping them at arm’s length. She would offer a shoulder for anyone to cry on, but when it was her turn, there was no one in her mind in which she could turn to. The burden of being a captain alone had just reached a breaking point after they had spent time traversing the Void, and as a result she had turned her back on her crew.

She remembered Chakotay’s piercing words to her several days prior, “You’ve picked a bad time to isolate yourself from the crew. This ship needs a captain, especially now.” While Janeway was wrapped up in her own world, she wasn't even remotely concerned with what Chakotay must have been going through in trying to run the ship as normally as possible without her.

Janeway struggled to keep her emotions at bay, as even in loneliness she was afraid to let her guard down. _This is pathetic Kathryn! Pathetic! You’re better than this!_ But the waves of pain and guilt were slowly eroding away the walls she had erected to protect herself. _You can’t afford to get lost in the past! You’re the captain, you can’t throw yourself a pity party! How could you have been so selfish towards your crew!?_

In a sudden burst of rage directed at herself for her vulnerability, she rose rapidly from her place on the sofa and grabbed her wine. She was angry at herself, her circumstances, her past, and her damning choices. Part of her wanted to have half a dozen more glasses to dull the noise in her mind, but it would take too long, she wanted the constant and pounding in her head to stop _now_. And so without thinking, she turned and threw her wineglass across the the room where it shattered on the bulkhead, mere inches above her treasured phonograph.

Everything stopped.

A sudden stillness overcame her: a constricting, oppressive silence that reminded her just how alone in her pain she was in on this little ship. The wine dripped off the table onto the carpet, where it formed pools of liquid before it seeped into the gray fibers, while the shards of glass created a small warzone on the floor. And upon her hand were flecks of wine from when it had sloshed over the rim as she threw the glass. She sank to her knees on the ground, horrified at the result of her impulsivity.

_I will never rinse my hands of their blood._

Her bottom lip trembled as blotches of red appeared on her sallow skin, and she took her hand to cover her eyes, ashamed of the tears that threatened to fall. The heat rose in her throat, preventing her from making a sound as the damn broke and she began to weep. Her chest heaved as her body endured a pain so deep she could no longer ignore it.

The agony within her was excruciating, but as she tears streamed down her face, the tight hold on her soul that made Janeway a prisoner in her own mind began to weaken. The principles instilled in a starship captain were ones rooted so deeply inside her that it had become difficult to allow herself to be anything else besides the captain for the sake of her crew. She couldn’t afford to be Kathryn anymore as the years wore on and the weight of command grew heavier upon her shoulders. But the price she paid for locking her pain away until it boiled over was high.

The Captain had finally allowed her inner self the permission she needed to grieve. Not for the lives lost under her command, not for the impossible journey ahead of them, not even the idea of having to captain Voyager for the rest her life. Kathryn simply gave herself the moment to mourn for what she had lost in herself after so many years of being lost in space.

After a while when her cries started to subside, she wiped away her tears and brushed back her hair, she realized the noise in her mind had finally calmed and quieted.

Tomorrow she would don her uniform and place the pips on her collar. She would fix her hair and wash her face. She would clean the carpet, ridding it of the evidence of her indulgence into her true emotions. She would walk out into the bridge with her head held high and her eyes bright, ready to be a true captain to her crew again.

But in this moment, she would sit in the silence of her quarters and watch as the unfamiliar stars of this far corner of the galaxy passed her by.  And while she may have escaped the Void in the Delta Quadrant, it was the void in her soul that she feared she would never escape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, this is my first fanfic that I decided to post. I've been writing for a while but I just never felt like putting my stuff up on the internet. I would love if you guys commented, and feel free to crucify me, whether it be about my content, characterization, grammar, etc. I can only become a better writer if you guys tell it to me straight.
> 
> And yes, I brought the angst big-time. It's my favorite to read, so I guess it's going to become my favorite to write as well.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


End file.
